2019 is here. I’ll spare you my annual “I don’t do resolutions because…” rant. I honestly haven’t sat down and thought about goals, aspirations, intentions or however else you want to frame it. I’m not sad to see this year go, but I don’t think I’ve ever had a “wow what a great year!” feeling either. 2018 was my first full year living in NC and I’m feeling settled in. Comfortable. I accomplished goals in some areas of my life yet struggled in others. I don’t really have any clarity yet on what I want 2019 to be but I’m not feeling pressured to figure it out either. I was so gung ho and focused in 2018 that this feels like a welcome change. Breathing room. Potential.
I did gain a little perspective at a yoga class this past Friday night. The teacher had us flow into warrior two and asked us to think of anything we’d want to bring into the new year with us. She had us move our arms as if pulling back the string of a bow and then letting it go, sending what we wanted ahead of us into 2019. Surprisingly, a few things came to mind. Three, specifically. As someone who forgets their intention 30 seconds after they set it at the beginning of class, I was surprised that these both came to mind and settled in right away.
Courage. I have come to learn in the past two years that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I don’t think that I often had a choice to be anything other than strong, but strong I was. I also made brave choices and showed up to see what happened, regardless of self doubt. I want to carry that courage into 2019. Expand it to other spaces in my life where I could be braver. Stand up for myself. Advocate for myself. Practicing courage should serve me well as I try to tackle the next item on my list.
Confidence. This will be the tough one. Queen of self-deprecation that I am, most of it comes from a place of self-doubt and self-loathing. I put myself down at work. I downplay my contributions to my team. I’m mean, bordering on cruel, to my mind and body. This year I learned that I am capable of more than I expect from myself. I’ve also learned from others how valued I am at work and as a friend. I’m beginning to understand what my strengths are and I want to continue to move into them. Full disclosure: I’ve already put myself down today while out on a run. It is so engrained in me to play small, to apologize for taking up space, being slow, being soft, having a heart. I think this could be quite the battle.
Curiosity. This is going to be fun. I spent a good chunk of 2018 outside of my comfort zone and it was well worth it. I have new things I want to try in 2019, in racing and in other experiences. I think as adults we find joy in the curiosity children, in their process of discovery. But being curious doesn’t have an age limit. It shouldn’t. The idea of no longer being curious about anything makes me sad, whether it is as simple as where a trail might lead to next or as big as wondering where my career will lead me. The unknown can be scary but wow can it be exciting too. It is actually breaking a smile across my face as I write this.
That’s it. I don’t have an A race on the calendar. I don’t want to run a set number of miles or lose a certain number of pounds. I’m hoping to continue feeling some of the peace I received late in 2018. I plan to laugh a lot, cry a little, and love hard. I’m sure that races and other goals will solidify in the coming weeks and months but for right now, this is where I am. Courage. Confidence. Curiosity.