Spoiler alert: I panicked. Every training cycle has its ups and downs, its good runs and bad runs. If you're me, it also has at least a few meltdowns. These are all to be expected and I know this. Unfortunately this knowledge seems to fly out of my brain at the first sign of trouble. 

As I mentioned in previous posts, I've been having some issues with my right hip/glute region. Some days it is barely there and some days I'm limping around most of the day, before a run even goes down. I was fairly uncomfortable for the first workout of the week on Tuesday night, 7 miles with the middle 3 at a specific pace. It got done, but it wasn't pretty. My right side felt so different from my left side, in terms of range of motion and muscle activation. Nothing between my waist and mid-thigh on my right side wanted to participate in that run. I think if they could have sat down on the sidewalk and had a temper tantrum, they would have. This run left me in shitty headspace for Wednesday's recovery miles, which in turn screwed me for Thursday. 

 legs. you do a lot for me. when you aren't being jerks.

legs. you do a lot for me. when you aren't being jerks.

I had another 7 miles Thursday evening and I was wondering before it even started how I was going to finish. I felt so out of whack. So unbalanced in my body and my mind. I was tired of being uncomfortable all the time. Tired of paces I ran a month ago being out of reach now. I felt like I'd been doing the right things, foam rolling and the like, so why the hell won't my body just shut up and do what it is told. Does any of this sound familiar? I got past the 2 mile mark in the run and it was a struggle. I was headed back out for another loop of this path when I decided NO. I'm done. I'm just done. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of pushing through discomfort that never goes away and attacks my confidence. I texted a tirade to Nora about how none of this is normal and I'm fed up and wtf can we do? I had 15 miles on the schedule for Saturday and here I could barely gut out 3. 

There isn't a resolution to the larger issue here, body-wise, but that isn't really the point of the post. The point is that I need to learn not to panic. I need to learn to manage the anxiety that comes with asking a lot of my body. I need to stop letting a bad mood linger. I think the run might have gone the same way on Thursday regardless, but it would have been a less dramatic affair if I'd left Tuesday's doubts behind. Instead I invited them to join me on Wednesday's run and by Thursday they'd made themselves quite at home. I'm doing all the right things to get this body issue figured out. I'm communicating with my coach. I'm foam rolling and doing yoga. I've got a massage scheduled along with some assessments of function. What am I doing to get my brain just as fit? Million dollar question. 

I'm still incredibly excited for this race. I have no doubts that I will make it to the start line. Thinking about race day puts a huge smile on my face. So where is the disconnect? I honestly don't know. I don't think it has to do with my ability or my potential. I think I'm worried that, despite my best efforts, something I cannot control within my body is threatening what means so much to me. That I could do everything right and something can still go wrong. That wanting it isn't enough. Committing to it isn't enough. It will never be entirely under my control, which is a lesson I am already too familiar with. Bad things. Out of my control. No matter how much I care. No wonder I panicked. 

Where does that leave me? I don't know. I got through my long run Saturday (complete with sobbing at mile 14 of 15) and I hit reset on Sunday with a few gentle miles through the woods. Week 9 is here, ready or not. All I can say for sure is that I've identified a weakness. Rather, my body identified a weakness for me. I'm hoping this week's miles will give me some idea of how to tackle it. 
Week 8 summary: 
Miles scheduled: 37
Miles ran: 33
Time on my feet: 6:36:26

 where I hit reset

where I hit reset