Weeks 12 and 13: practice in patience

Well into week 16 as I write this and still pretty happy with how weeks 12 and 13 went. I'm into cutback weeks in terms of mileage, and I'm not mad about it. When you spend every day worrying about the pain of your next run, less miles doesn't sound so bad. No special pace instructions, no workouts, just time on my feet and it was time well spent. Added bonus? Having one of your run family members come visit for the weekend! 

The runs leading into the weekend of week 12 were uneventful and steady. I got two days of hip-specific strength work in there as well, and I know it will start to pay off. I was really looking forward to Jenn getting into town and taking her over to Umstead for our long run. She's been doing some SERIOUS work in her training and I wasn't sure I'd be able to keep up with her, she's tough AF. We ended up having a great run, my hips were so well behaved and I got to share the magic tree with my girl. Also, possibly, pie for breakfast. 

When we weren't running, we watched Pitch Perfect 3 (and 1, at least twice), drank beer, ate cookies, and just had a really chill time. I had no idea how much I needed that time until I got it. So grateful. 

cookies and smiles!

Week 12 summary: 
Miles scheduled: 33
Miles ran: 33
Time on my feet: 6:18:29

Week 13 had me a little nervous, my hips were progressively achier as each run went by. I was taking more walk/stretch breaks than I would like and I could feel frustration building. I know that strength doesn't come overnight, nor do imbalances and weaknesses resolve themselves quickly either, but by Saturday morning I was looking for a good reason not to do my long run. I felt like I could sleep for days and my enthusiasm for what was likely to be another long tough slog was nonexistent. It also would have involved cancelling last minute on a friend, which is a dick move.

What did I do? I talked myself into showing up. Don't tell Rose, but I've been trying to think more positively about my running. Come race day I don't want doubts creeping in and I know it takes practice to get there, so practice I will. As I was driving to meet Becky I told myself that these runs, the ones I don't want to do, are the ones that I'll remember come race day. When I want to stay in bed, when I'm afraid it might get hard, when I don't feel strong enough, that is when showing up matters the most. The run didn't end up being stellar, I was struggling the last few miles, but it was a beautiful day and I got it done. 

my "wtf its hot already" face

I rounded out the week with work travel to Oregon, and I'm pretty proud of myself for getting in 7 miles in Portland after a 3 am wake up call and 6 hours on a plane. It made for a really long day, and I was dead asleep by 9 pm, but it got done. I'm trying hard not to make excuses with my training, to plan and be prepared for things like travel. I think I've only missed one run this entire training cycle and it was when my flight got cancelled and I spent 9 hours in the Philly airport. As I've said before, I want to get to race day and know I did everything I could to be ready.

Week 13 summary: 
Miles scheduled: 31
Miles ran: 31
Time on my feet: 6:05:21

Week 14 has me going way outside my comfort zone for my long run, and jumping in to pace a runner during their attempt at a 100 mile race. Spoiler alert: all aboard the pain train. Stay tuned!

Weeks 9, 10, 11 - I'm Ok I'm not Ok Am I Ok?

Dang it, I thought I had this regular posting thing down. Apparently there is still room for improvement. Thankfully, I have both my Believe log and my training log for Nora to refer to for these weeks. When we left week 8 I had cried during my long run and had a massage on deck to see what was going down in these legs of mine. 

I scrapped through (cuz I'm scrappy!) the first run of the week and lopsidedly ambled into my massage Wednesday evening. Spent the next hour getting worked over but good. Holy smokes did it make me cuss but the effects were immediate. The problems were equally apparent and unsurprising. Pelvic instability, hip weakness. I know ya'll know that song so please sing along. Running in the days after a massage is always a crapshoot but I usually end up feeling like I have cement for legs. I was pleasantly surprised that I could knock out 7 miles the next afternoon and 18 miles two days after that. I tweaked my right calf along the way and it made the last chunk of the 18 and the following day's 8 a little dicey. Lots of foam rolling and stretching going into my rest day, with fingers crossed. No big highs, no low lows, just decent. Somehow I didn't take any decent pictures for this week. Womp womp. 
Week 9 summary: 
Miles scheduled: 39
Miles ran: 39
Time on my feet: 7:50:01

High mileage week coming at ya. I struggled all week with feelings. If you think you can separate your training from the rest of your life, compartmentalize like a champ, you're a damn liar. I spent the week trying to run away from my grief. Wednesday it hurt so badly that I blew up a 3 mile recovery run trying to out-sprint the sobs. It didn't work AND it set me up for an uncomfortable 7 miles the next day. I knew it would and in the moment I just didn't care. I didn't. This week should have been about knocking out a 20 miler Saturday and another 10 miles on Sunday. But it wasn't. It was just about hanging on. Sometimes all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and draw the next short breath. 
Week 10 summary: 
Miles scheduled: 46
Miles ran: 46 (HOLY HELL I think that is a new high for me)
Time on my feet: 9:03:55 (basically a second job)

Coming off a week of training highs and emotional lows, I was uneasy. And tired. Grateful for my first cutback week. The high of the week was meeting Kara Goucher (amazing!) but that honestly isn't what stands out when I look over those 7 days. What stands out is that I quit on myself. I had 15 miles on the schedule for Saturday morning and I was planning to knock it out while I was still in the Norfolk area. Lauren sent me to a great spot to get those miles in, aptly named Dismal Swamp. It was pancake flat, paved, and straight. For most runners I imagine that sounds ideal, but for someone who can get stuck in her head it was a bad call. I was so bored. I even tried music and podcasts but it didn't help. I started to look for a reason to stop. Hmm those hips are aching again. That calf feels like it could cramp up at any second. Oops, my stride has a hitch I can stop now. I knew when I was doing it that I was quitting. I stopped just over 13 miles, knowing full well I would regret it and could have finished. These runs are about time on my feet. I could have walked it in. I could have stretched, taken a breath, and pushed on. But I didn't and I have to figure out how to not do it again. If these first 11 weeks have taught me nothing else, it is that my body is capable of more than I allowed myself to believe and my mind needs more work than I am willing to admit. 
Week 11 summary: 
Miles scheduled: 30ish (there was some fluidity there)
Miles ran: 26.55 (disappointed)
Time on my feet: 5:04:32

gratuitous fangirl moment

I hope Week 12 is less of a roller coaster than these three weeks have been. I want to feel strong in all aspects of my training as I get closer to race day and I don't think I'm doing everything I can just yet to make it so. What does "everything I can do" look like? I'm not sure. Just...more.

Week 8: Don't Panic (is what I should have done)

Spoiler alert: I panicked. Every training cycle has its ups and downs, its good runs and bad runs. If you're me, it also has at least a few meltdowns. These are all to be expected and I know this. Unfortunately this knowledge seems to fly out of my brain at the first sign of trouble. 

As I mentioned in previous posts, I've been having some issues with my right hip/glute region. Some days it is barely there and some days I'm limping around most of the day, before a run even goes down. I was fairly uncomfortable for the first workout of the week on Tuesday night, 7 miles with the middle 3 at a specific pace. It got done, but it wasn't pretty. My right side felt so different from my left side, in terms of range of motion and muscle activation. Nothing between my waist and mid-thigh on my right side wanted to participate in that run. I think if they could have sat down on the sidewalk and had a temper tantrum, they would have. This run left me in shitty headspace for Wednesday's recovery miles, which in turn screwed me for Thursday. 

legs. you do a lot for me. when you aren't being jerks.

I had another 7 miles Thursday evening and I was wondering before it even started how I was going to finish. I felt so out of whack. So unbalanced in my body and my mind. I was tired of being uncomfortable all the time. Tired of paces I ran a month ago being out of reach now. I felt like I'd been doing the right things, foam rolling and the like, so why the hell won't my body just shut up and do what it is told. Does any of this sound familiar? I got past the 2 mile mark in the run and it was a struggle. I was headed back out for another loop of this path when I decided NO. I'm done. I'm just done. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of pushing through discomfort that never goes away and attacks my confidence. I texted a tirade to Nora about how none of this is normal and I'm fed up and wtf can we do? I had 15 miles on the schedule for Saturday and here I could barely gut out 3. 

There isn't a resolution to the larger issue here, body-wise, but that isn't really the point of the post. The point is that I need to learn not to panic. I need to learn to manage the anxiety that comes with asking a lot of my body. I need to stop letting a bad mood linger. I think the run might have gone the same way on Thursday regardless, but it would have been a less dramatic affair if I'd left Tuesday's doubts behind. Instead I invited them to join me on Wednesday's run and by Thursday they'd made themselves quite at home. I'm doing all the right things to get this body issue figured out. I'm communicating with my coach. I'm foam rolling and doing yoga. I've got a massage scheduled along with some assessments of function. What am I doing to get my brain just as fit? Million dollar question. 

I'm still incredibly excited for this race. I have no doubts that I will make it to the start line. Thinking about race day puts a huge smile on my face. So where is the disconnect? I honestly don't know. I don't think it has to do with my ability or my potential. I think I'm worried that, despite my best efforts, something I cannot control within my body is threatening what means so much to me. That I could do everything right and something can still go wrong. That wanting it isn't enough. Committing to it isn't enough. It will never be entirely under my control, which is a lesson I am already too familiar with. Bad things. Out of my control. No matter how much I care. No wonder I panicked. 

Where does that leave me? I don't know. I got through my long run Saturday (complete with sobbing at mile 14 of 15) and I hit reset on Sunday with a few gentle miles through the woods. Week 9 is here, ready or not. All I can say for sure is that I've identified a weakness. Rather, my body identified a weakness for me. I'm hoping this week's miles will give me some idea of how to tackle it. 
Week 8 summary: 
Miles scheduled: 37
Miles ran: 33
Time on my feet: 6:36:26

where I hit reset

Week 6 and 7: Hills and Hips

Time continues to fly by in training and in life. Week 6 went really well. I feel like it was the first week where the good runs outnumbered the not so good ones. I had my first hill workout of the training cycle on Tuesday night and I was excited to see it on the calendar. Call me crazy, but I love hill repeats. I know how strong they can make me and I want to show up on June 30 ready to crush the hills on the course. The weather was perfect for the effort and I only wanted to vomit....three times. No actual vomiting occurred, thankfully. 10x1 minute hill repeats are no joke (to me, anyways) and I was spent at the end. The two mile cool down was laughable. I'm sure I looked pretty rough. Later in the week I got in a solid 12 miles with my brother-in-law while visiting West Virginia. 
Week 6 summary: 
Miles scheduled: 32
Miles ran: 32.25! (Thursday's run went a little long)
Time on my feet: 6:24:07

last light on the left, I'm coming for you!

Week 7 was not awesome. It just wasn't. My right hip, as I've mentioned before, is a nagging problem.  My mental game was off, which usually means my nutrition has gone sideways as well (food = feelings). I got the work done but it never felt good. I never felt particularly strong. Runs felt like boxes checked off at best and like total slogs at worst. I know that not every run will be a winner but I don't like an entire week of crap. Some of the crap factor was under my control, as noted, and some was not. I could be doing more to care for my hip, truthfully. Why is there always such a gap between knowing what needs to be done and doing it? At any rate, the run of the week was Saturday's long effort. 13 miles, no prescribed paces. I decided that I should start working in some singletrack into my long runs since the race course is 90 single track. I sketched out a route at Umstead that went back and forth between the bridle path and the singletrack trails, with no more than 2 miles on one at a time. It was a great route but wow did I suffer. With three miles to go my legs felt toasted. Everything hurt. The trails were beautiful but the run was a clear reminder that I still have a long way to go. The more time I can spend on the trails, the better off I will be come race day. 
Week 7 summary: 
Miles scheduled: 35
Miles ran: 35 (OMG!)
Time on my feet: 7:12:35 (and my legs are feeling it)

rocking my Team Bird tank trailside

Looking ahead to Week 8 and I still experience some intimidation when I see the mileage planned. It is a lot better than it was when I started but it is still there. I need to keep on being steady, taking it one run at a time, and trusting what I've already done as proof of what I can do. I find the negative self talk decreasing and focus on process increasing. If I'm being honest, throwing myself into this training is another way to escape some of the tougher aspects of my reality. Physical pain? I can take it. Occupying the mind by occupying the body? Sign me up. It might not be the most healthy thing to do but it isn't the reason I signed up for this race. I've only started noticing the distraction factor in the last week or two, and I'm not concerned. Coincidentally around the time that my mental/emotional game took a hit. Hmm...

I'm still looking forward to my workouts. I'm still enjoying time with friends who are sharing miles with me. I'm still 100% committed and excited to this goal. If those things start to shift, then we can talk. For now, I'll leave you with the glorious sunset from Thursday night's run. 

thanks, Mark.

Weeks 4 and 5: Busted Runs and a Dose of Fear

Where did weeks 4 and 5 go? It is day 1 of week 6 and I can't believe it. I'm sure it will start to drag at some point, with so many weeks left to go, but right now training is flying. 

Week 4 was a down week. Not in mileage, but in feeling and in quality of the runs. My hip issue has really been cramping my style. By the third run of the week words like "wow this sucked" were appearing in my log. The highlight of the week, because there was one, wasn't a run. I got a massage from the wonderful Ben at the Endurance Collective in Durham. OH, BLESS. My hip has been so jacked up, having him hammer at it for an hour was great. Hurt like hell and still needs work, but I left with less pain and more range of motion than I'd had in the last month. I've got exercises and such to keep after it and I'm already looking forward to the next session. If you are local to him, I highly recommend having him work on you. 
Week 4 summary: 
Miles scheduled: 28
Miles ran: 28
Time on my feet: 5:26:21

working on the "concrete" that is my SI area

Week 5 was a trip. I knew that my Tuesday night run, the first of the week, was going to be the highlight of the week as I was still in it. I had six miles with 3x30 second strides every mile, a workout I've seen already this cycle. It makes me a little twitchy, as strides in the past have made my shins really angry. What really made this run interesting (scary, crazy, and fun) was doing it in the dark in the woods. Yeah...the local trail running group hosted a Moonshine and S'mores run at Umstead in honor of the impending Supermoon (yes, the other moonshine). I know I am the caboose when I run with this group so I showed up 30 minute early to get my run started so that I'd finish in time for the s'mores (the real motivation). There was still some light when I started but by the turn around at mile 3 it was DARK. I am not comfortable running alone at night, much less in the woods, so this was a huge leap for me. I wore my vest, a blinking light, an armband light, and my headlamp. It was a bit unnerving, the wind was howling a bit and I couldn't tell who was making what sounds. I did feel stronger with each mile, with each set of strides. With two miles to go two large dark shadows darted across the path 100 feet in front of me and that kicked me into a higher gear. Sure, it was probably deer, but I wasn't sticking around to find out. I tried to balance controlling my fear with controlling my paces. No sense in blowing up two miles from the car, alone in the woods. The splits were faster than they would have been in different circumstances but those miles also felt strong AF and I was pumped to have such a good workout. Getting my first night trail run in felt awesome too, as I'm sure it won't be my last.
Week 5 summary: 
Miles scheduled: 29
Miles ran: 29 (EEK!!!)
Time on my feet: 5:44:01

When you take fear out of the picture, what else is holding you back? I find myself thinking about fear and comfort zones a lot these days. I was afraid to register for this 50k. Afraid to make it public. Afraid to tackle training. Afraid of my workouts. But in the face of that fear, I took a deep breath and chose me over it. Me. So far, so good. 

Finger Lakes 50k - Weeks 1,2,3

I promised training recaps. I'm already 5 days into Week 4 so I suppose I need to get on it. As I had mentioned in my last post, I was pretty intimidated by the first two weeks of work Nora gave me. It was a combination of "oh shit I did nothing in December," the fact that I wasn't logging mileage like that during my peak summer/fall months last year, and the doubt that my body could hold up. That boils down to being too lazy in my off month, being afraid of something new, and not believing in my own ability. Just because I have not done something before does not mean that I am not capable of doing it. Suck on that, inner critic. 

Week 1 went by quickly, no specific workouts or paces to hit, just easy miles. The run that stood out for me was the 8 miles on Saturday with Rose on the ATT. Despite it being a brisk 8 degrees, she showed up and let me stare at her ass for a while. This was my first time wearing a hydration pack in such cold temps so it did not occur to me that the hose would freeze. D'oh. Choking down a gel without water is not something I was interested in doing, so we stopped to work the problem. I decided to take off my outermost layer, put the pack on, and then zip that outer layer back on over it. Not the most attractive look but it solved my problem quickly. Hooray, water! No matter how long you've been in this sport, there will always be something new to learn. Like the temperature at which water freezes...
Week 1 summary: 
Miles scheduled: 27
Miles ran: 24 (I opted for a 45 minute easy spin in lieu of 3 recovery miles on Sunday)
Time on my feet: 4:11:37 (does not include time spent on my bike)

so pretty. so cold. 

Week 2. This one was a challenge. I was travelling most of the week, both for work and to see family. From NC to DC back to NC and on to NY and back to NC in 6 days. Tired doesn't begin to describe it. I got the first 2 runs done in DC (oh hey, stoplights every 10 feet), one at home in NC after my flight home that evening, and another in NY on a 2 mile stretch of rail trail. Being flexible was the name of the game, as was being prepared as possible. If I have a run scheduled, its happening. So I packed and managed my time accordingly. Unfortunately, the airlines were not nearly as accommodating. Long horrid travel story on Saturday meant that I arrived at my parents in NY at 7:30 pm rather than 12 noon. The rest of the day was spent in the Philly airport (fuck you so much). That bumped the 9 mile long run to Sunday and the recovery miles to the bin. I got the long run done but I hated missing mileage and jacking up my recovery level for the week ahead. Proud of myself for getting done everything I could given the circumstances, despite the level of fatigue I carried into week 3. 
Week 2 summary: 
Miles scheduled: 27
Miles ran: 24
Time on my feet: 4:37:12 (too bad traversing every damn terminal of the Philly airport 100 times doesn't count)

never too old to make snow angels with your mom

Week 3. This week hurt. I was feeling a lot of fatigue from last week's travels and most of my runs reflected that. My first workout with pace goals (what I would have consider really easy) were a struggle. Going outside to do a few recovery miles mid-snowstorm was ill advised, 6 inches of snow on unplowed paths and roads made for a lot of work. It all came to a head on Thursday when said storm forced me to the treadmill for a 7 mile workout w 5 miles at a set pace. I was pausing and stretching by the half mile, and every few minutes after that. I sent a few SOS texts to Nora, and then Rose. Everything was tight and sore and I was fed up that my body wouldn't shut the fuck up and do what it was told. I think it was hoping I would do the same thing. After crying for a few minutes, I restarted the treadmill and tried to just gut it out. Nope. Called it at 5.5 miles. It is so early in this training cycle, I do not need to be forcing workouts when I'm in pain. I needed to be talked off the ledge a little bit, and listen to my body instead of forcing it to adhere to some numbers on a spreadsheet. Why I need this reminder at least 5 times a training cycle, EVERY training cycle, is beyond me.
Week 3 summary:
Miles scheduled: 28
Miles ran: 27.5 (so close to plan!)
Time on my feet: 5:22:01

long run lovahhhhhhh

The first three weeks have been challenging, but overall solid, and I'm pleased with how training is going so far.  Only 5 more months to go until race day. Dear Lord, that is a long time from now...

2018: Challenge Accepted

I drafted this post with pen and paper (old school, ya'll) on one of my many recent flights, and you'll notice that it appears on the training side of this site. Miracle. I've been running regularly and have a post in draft recapping 2017's NC racing season, but my heart and mind have been elsewhere with my writing for quite some time. I'm hoping that my enthusiasm for writing this post means that I might be coming out of the fog a bit. 

So, 2018 training. I've been pretty vocal, since 2012, about wanting to run an ultra. A bout of runner burnout after my second marathon in 2013 pushed that back a year. Next was a string of injuries leading into half-hearted training followed by another injury, on repeat. I did not want to be the person who wants something that requires hard work, talks about it (a lot), but never puts her money where her mouth is. I had a decent (read: uninjured) training cycle in 2017 and it gave me the "proof" I needed to finally believe that an ultra was possible. I know a little bit about what I need to do to get ready but for the rest, I've got a coach. 

If you are curious as to why I like having a coach, ask away, as that could be a post on its own. The short version: I'm pumped to have Nora Bird (owner of Team Bird Training, Oiselle Volee member, and rockstar from Oiselle's "Birdstrike" Speed Project team) make all the important training decisions and get my ass to the start line in fighting shape. So do I actually have a race in mind? Yes. Registration opened at 10 am on January 1 for the Finger Lakes 50s and I threw my money at the 50k.

In picking this race I broke a few of my own rules for racing a distance for the first time (being able to sleep in my own bed, training on/near the course, minimizing stress related to travel costs and logistics, etc.). My logic: it is within an hour of my parents' house in NY and I am somewhat familiar with the area. I think having my family there to support me will be a huge plus. The trail is largely single track, of which there is plenty near me to train on. The total elevation gain is somewhere around 2584 feet over two loops and I am confident that my area trails can prep me for that as well. As far as the fun factor goes, the Finger Lakes have some great wineries that will help me not feel my legs for a while post-race. Also, there will be cows. Seriously. Part of the race goes through cow pastures and there are explicit instructions in ALL THE CAPS about making sure to close the gates so the cows don't escape. I think I might need to add a runwiththecows hashtag to my IG posts. 

COOOOOOWS! 

As I write this I am 6 days into week 3. I do not plan to share every run listed on my schedule, as Nora put time and effort into this plan specifically for me and I don't want to a) give away her work for free and b) give you the impression that this plan is a blanket 50k plan anyone could use. I will give you a quick summary of each week and likely feature one workout that either rocked, sucked, or kicked my ass, followed by some quick numbers. I will not be sharing specific pace and time information because it is only relevant to me, because I am sensitive about how "fast" I am not, and because I am not interested in feeding into anyone's comparison trap. 

With all that out of the way, let's get started. Nora gave me two weeks of training up front and I was immediately intimidated. I haven't done this kind of volume in several years and certainly not right out of the gate in a new training cycle. How would my body handle it? Rather than spiral down that rabbit hole and accept something that hasn't even happened yet as fact, I decided to take a deep breath. Trust that Nora shows her shit. Start believing that I am capable of more than I give my body credit for. Be 100% honest with my workout reports. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Basically all the logical advice I've ignored in favor of the familiar safety of anxiety, self-doubt, and a record of race results based on betting on anyone but myself from day 1. 

I will also communicate conflicts ahead of time to make things work, rather than making excuses later for why a workout was not done. Yes, I want a coach to hold me accountable but I want to be 100% accountable to myself first and foremost. For better or worse. *cough* hungover treadmill workout *cough* I want to own my choices and the ensuing consequences. I do not want to get to the start line in June thinking about what I didn't do, how I made choices that didn't serve me. For as much as it is under my control, I will own this training cycle. I may bitch and moan the whole way (right, Lauren and Rose?) but I will also get the work done. I am hoping to bitch a little less, I find myself doing it before workouts that scare me. Anyone else find that to be the case? The complaining takes the attention away from the fear. It also primes the pump to report a bad workout result. That also does not serve me well, so I will try to acknowledge the fear instead. It is only running, after all. 

I was going to include the recap for weeks 1 and 2 here, but this is long enough as is. You have better things to do with your Saturday afternoon and so do I. You are welcome to follow along in more real time on Instagram @CatLadyRunner, most common hashtags likely to include #FingerLakes50s and #TeamBirdTraining. STINSON OUT!