What do I want out of running?

I've been staring at this screen for a few hours now, this question repeating in my mind. What do I want out of running? I suppose this is a discussion I've needed to have with myself for some time now but have been avoiding it. Now that I'm starting my running journey over, again, it seems appropriate that I give this some thought. The question was posed to me earlier this evening by a friend and for some reason it has me spinning my wheels.

At first I wrote down whatever popped into my head:

A new body
Faster race times
Freedom
Stress release
Admiration

It wasn't an easy list to come up with, and it seems short and shallow. My brain does not seem interested in generating any other thoughts. The meaning of running in my life has been and continues to be foggy. I would like nothing more than to wake up tomorrow refreshed and fully committed to embracing running as part of who I am. Something that I can't live without. But that is not going to be the case. I'm going to snooze the alarm excessively, think about blowing off the measly three miles I had planned, blow off those planned miles, and then beat myself up about it the rest of the day.

I'm frustrated that I lost over a month of training time. I'm frustrated that getting back into a groove isn't coming easy. I'm frustrated that I'm too scared to try. So what do I do now? If those things I listed above are really what I want from running, why aren't I doing everything I can to get them? If that list just scratches the surface, what can I do to get to the real truth of the matter? I have the time but not the motivation. I have options but lack the resources to utilize them. I love to run. I really do. I just...I don't know. Something is missing. 

This question is going to stay unanswered for now. I'm not satisfied with the superficial things that I've come up with thus far. I need to clear my head and remember what is important to me. This is a really unique time in my life, so much has changed in the last few weeks and so many more changes are on the horizon. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have some sense of control in my life and am becoming an active participant in it. I just need to sort out what stays and what needs to go.

I don't think it has even taken me this long to compose a post this brief. It is way past my bedtime but I can't seem to shut my mind off. My words feel inadequate. Should I be giving something so small as running this much time and attention? I suppose it is an indication of what running means to me. But why? And how? Questions for another time. If you made it through this post, thank you. If you have any thoughts you'd like to share with me, I'd be most grateful. 


Late to the party...

Hey there! Marathon training season is officially upon us! There were some unforeseen circumstances that have caused me to start training a month later than originally planned but I'm finally starting to log some slow miles.  I'm even remembering that running can be fun. The temperature has not been cooperating by any stretch of the imagination but that is par for the course.  The sooner I adjust to the VA summer, the better I'm going to be.  Suddenly waking up at 5 to run doesn't sound so bad.

I finished my longest run since May this past weekend, ten miles, and actually felt pretty good at the end of it. I didn't think I could finish but Vietnamese #1 told me to go big or go home, so I went big and it paid off. I'm really glad that I didn't give up and being able to finish ten miles makes me feel more confident about the rest of my training.  Right now I'm only getting out twice a week but this is going to change in short order.

Once I stop wandering around with my tail between my legs, I'll also return to the track. I'm missing crucial hill workouts right now but I know I'm in no condition to tackle them and I just need to accept it. If I get into a running groove in the next few weeks I will be brave and go back. I do miss getting my ass handed to me by the CAR kids...

Four sweaty miles this morning with another four planned for Wednesday.  As was the case at this time last summer, hydration is my nemesis.  I'm just not taking in enough fluids over the course of the day and the end results are really poor runs. I can imagine the lecture from George right now. He's really been harping on this and for good reason.  I should have this sorted out soon, but welcome any tips for how to get those crucial fluids in. I love water, but I don't always remember to consistently drink.  Nuun is a nice way to mix it up but again, I just don't remember or feel the urge to drink.

My race plan has been tweaked a bit to accommodate recent events but I'm mostly okay with it. I was forced to miss the Virginia Wine Country 1/2 and the $110 I spent on entry, but I made sure the bib didn't go to waste. Same goes for the Capital Hill Classic 10k. On the upside, Ragnar is still on! I'm in the lottery for the Virginia Happy Trails 1/2 in September and there are several other races in the fall that are a sure thing. I don't have anything set for July or August, but those are crucial marathon training months (aside from the fact that racing in those months is almost intolerable).

What is your favorite way to beat the heat?  I tend to resort to morning runs, although I have a perfectly good gym membership that has been going to waste lately. I've missed updating here and I'll be doing so much more often as I gear up for marathon number 2. All the love and support I received here last year while training for MCM was priceless, so thank you.  Stay cool, run safe, and we'll talk again soon!

Three Things Thursday

1. Thank you for the kind words and prayers here and on Facebook. My grandfather is at home now, and starting speech and physical therapy. He's getting a little better everyday, and we're all very relieved.

2. The half over the weekend went pretty well. After some thinking about the training I did or did not do leading up to the race, I decided not to run with a watch. I didn't want to put extra pressure on myself to have certain splits in pursuit of a specific time. If at all possible, I wanted to have fun.
I definitely gave myself a few pep talks along the way, but I really just ran my own race and kept chugging along. I passed people and was passed. I hit up every water station and gelled as needed. At mile 10 my sister and I caught up with each other and trucked it the rest of the way together. I'm really surprised to see how similar our form is, spooky!
We stayed together until the last 800 meters or so and I took off to see what I had left in the tank.  Still no concept of time, as the course had no one calling out time after the first mile. I rounded the corner about 100 meters from the finish and that was the first and only time I saw the clock. 
The gun time was just over 2:11 and the race was small enough that I didn't think there would be a significant difference between that and my chip time. I was happy, I'd run 2:13 the year before at this race and it felt really good to beat that time by just running by feel.  My PR, I thought, was still standing at just over 2:10 and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little bummed that I didn't get it. However, once results were posted online it turns out that there was just enough of a difference between gun and net time for me to get an 8 second PR. Huzzah!

3. I'm hoping to ride this little wave of good running into my next half on June 2. I've taken the week off thus far, but I'll be back in the mix by this weekend. I'm participating in the Westminster Women's Classic 10k on Sunday where I hope to PR, and then the MAC 1/2 Marathon Relay in Maryland on Saturday the 19th. I have a few more weeks of track workouts ahead of me that I'd really like to nail. The original goal was to go sub-2 in June but that isn't going to happen so I'll just shoot for another close PR and attack sub-2 in September when I have more miles under my belt. Marathon training officially starts June 9. Where has the time gone???


Semi-wordless Wednesday

Apologies for the lack of a race report, if you were looking for one. Other things are occupying my brain space right now.

This blurry picture of my grandparents is from Thanksgiving 2008, and the most recent photo I have on hand at work. I love my grandpa very much, and he had a stroke on Monday. He's recovering at the hospital now, but it was a bit of a scare for me. Thank you all for your prayers and kind words during this time.

Race goals?

I wasn't sure this was the post that I wanted to write today. As much as I don't want to, I can't stop brooding about this race. My training has been so haphazard this year that I've had to overhaul all my goals and expectations for the races I've scheduled so far. I haven't had to pare down the schedule yet, in fact I've added in a few more, but when it comes down to performance things just aren't where I want them to be. I have no one to blame but myself, as my lack of commitment is the only thing standing between me and progress. Originally this half on Sunday was meant to be a go at a PR, setting myself up for an even bigger PR on June 2. The race in June is still going to be a PR attempt for me, but not the sub 2 I was hoping for. Sigh.

This will be my fifth half, and I seem to be getting progressively slower at the distance. There are a lot of factors at work here (age, training, etc) but it doesn't escape my attention that my first half and standing PR was run when I was 20 lbs lighter. I feel like I'm stuck in a body that isn't mine, very awkward and cumbersome. Faster gears are harder to find during workouts  My legs continue to feel like dead weight. I wish I could pinpoint where the wheels came off the wagon. Is there truth to the idea that turning 30 screws your metabolism? Is weight gain a side effect of one of the many medications and supplements that I'm currently taking? I'd love to get a clearer picture of what is going on. Even at the peak of marathon training last year I still topped out beyond my comfort level.

Taking all these feelings and factors into account, I'm still afraid to make any prognostications about Sunday. Now that the pain in my legs seems to be under control I don't worry about finishing. I suppose I do have those secret time goals in my head (great, okay, and shoot yourself) but I can't admit them here. I think the biggest challenges will be leaving my ego at home and getting out of my own way. I'm at a comparable level of fitness to last year's go at this race, so I could use that time as a predictor. One thing that I am happy to hear is that so far the weather will be almost perfect. Last year it was very cold and rainy for the entire race. This year temps look to start in the mid 40s, getting up to 70 later in the day, no rain in sight. The race starts at 7:30 so getting overheated should not be a concern.

I guess the smart thing to do would be to leave the watch at home and treat this as a regular long run. Let go of the splits in my mind, try to reconnect with why I run in the first place. I had two good runs this week so I am feeling a bit better about my potential. Use that to dig deep for 13.1 miles. As always, I am open to suggestion and advice. I know that a lot of my teammates are racing this weekend and I wish you all the best of luck. I'll be back at the track on Tuesday; no rest for slightly overscheduled chubby runner.

Three Things Thursday

1. One of my favorite girls from my GOTR group had her last practice with us today. She's moving to Michigan, so sad! She's been a real pleasure to coach and has some amazing natural talent. I hope she continues to run. Practice as a whole went really well for a change, even the usual trouble makers were cooperative. I think the "game" we played that got them to run for 20 minutes didn't hurt either. Our practice 5k is next Tuesday and us coaches are really nervous to see how it plays out. Keeping these girls motivated and interested has been no small feat, and we've really tried to drill home how important the practice race will be. We're planning a water table so they can drink and toss the cups like "real runners" and there will be post-race bagels as well. If you have any other fun ideas that we can incorporate into this practice, I 'd love to hear it.

2. I might be hitting the track again tonight. One of my original running partners is slowly coming back from injury and wants to test her legs. Since she's been out of the game for a while, and I've already done a track workout this week, I thought we'd take it easy. At least an 800m warmup and some drills, then maybe 4x400m with 200m recovery and another 800m cool down. The overall mileage is pretty low, but I'm more concerned with my friend having a positive experience than me getting in a workout. If she's feeling good we can add a few more 400s or just lengthen the warmup/cool down. Running experts, does this sound reasonable?

3. I am easily tempted when it comes to signing up for races. Maybe a little too much so. I was reading Runners World last night on the train home from NYC and they had a great article on destination races. Doing one, domestic or international, is definitely on my to do list. If Richmond's entry fee hadn't been so cheap I might be doing one this year. At any rate, they had a great list of solid races and race vacation groups to consider. I am mostly certainly considering one in particular (timing, money, etc be damned). I've bookmarked the website page and need to start scheming on how to pay and train for it. It is so outlandish that it probably won't happen, but at the same time crazy enough for me to want it. Badly. Dying to know where? Go here. Then come back and tell me it is the best idea I've ever had. I'm ready to throw my cap over the wall...

Ciao!