What you make of it

If I had a real post for every time I actually thought about posting an update, there would be one gazillion posts on this blog. Instead, I have an idea for a post and then I watch 4 hours of Big Bang Theory reruns instead. That’s normal, right?

I am long overdue to provide a physical therapy update, and the longer I wait to do so the worse things seem to get. Hopefully this breaks the cycle or gets rid of the bad juju or whatever is going on.  Anyways, in the span of less than two weeks, from January 25^th - February 7^th, I tripped twice. Once while running, once while walking, both times yanking on the same spot of my left leg. Like a good patient, I told my physical therapist at my next appointment, as it had caused some minor discomfort. She did some manual therapy in the area and said that it did seem to be “lit up” but taking a break from running and keeping up on the foam rolling/strengthening stuff should knock it out.

Oh if that were only true. Instead, I started having discomfort during activities that were previously pain-free (spinning and elliptical). Rude. Not to mention the discomfort continued over the course of the day. Super rude. Given these sudden developments, my physical therapist shuttled me across the parking lot to a sports medicine doctor who had the pleasure of getting real up close and personal with me. I had an ultrasound of my left hamstring/adductor/glute area (where all those things come together) this past Friday. While I had hoped for answers, I was holding out for something…not what it was. Three microtears in the adductor near the ischial tuberosity (where both the adductor and hamstring connect). With the added bonus of bursitis in the bursa in the area of the ischial tuberosity. Sigh.

Ultrasound image. I can't see sh*t on it.

Immediate actions? Stop all cardio for 2 weeks. I can try to swim but only if I use paddles and a pull buoy so that my legs are not involved.  Otherwise, I can do upper body work and gentle yoga. Consider a steroid shot to the bursa in hope it will calm the heck down (OW). Dry needling with guided ultrasound to the area of the tears (what is up with all the needles?). At the end of the appointment I told both the doctor and my physical therapist that I needed a day to process this and see what, if anything, would be covered by my insurance. I’m already paying out of pocket for the physical therapy and it is a struggle just to do that.  While I await word from my insurance company, I am asking around about people’s experiences and opinions on both treatments.

I am 99% sure I am not going to get a shot. I’ve heard too many bad things about it and the odds of it being helpful (beyond pain relief, which I don’t need) aren’t awesome. As far as dry needling goes, I’m getting 50/50 reviews. Some said it hurt and did nothing, others said it was fine and really helped. I still have a day or two to mull things over while I wait for the insurance company to get back to me. I have a new sets of home exercises to do and I had manual therapy at the clinic this morning. Hoping to get in the pool tonight. I know that these things are better than nothing, but not being able to work up a good sweat just sucks. I think about all that endurance I’ve built up just leaking out of me like a soft tire.

I thought I had convinced myself that I would have a 5 second pity party and then move on, appreciating what exercise I was still able to do. The areas I could gain strength in where I hadn’t focused before. But that has not been entirely successful. I miss the exhaustion and epic sweatiness that comes from a spin class or a long elliptical workout. I know that the lifting and the core work and the PT exercises are helping my body become stronger. But at the end of the day I am still that toddler who wants to do the one thing she was told she could not. Does anyone have any other ways to look at this turn of events? Lemonade from the lemons? Silver linings in the thundercloud? 

The 2 week cardio embargo is up shortly (because it took that long to post this), but I still need to lay low and see what the doctor says. I am sure it isn't "go back to everything you were doing before" because the human body doesn't work like that. I am just hoping to hear that things are improving. These surprise setbacks and trouble spots that weren't there before are making me crazy. Which means I'm making the people around me crazy. Thank God that MS loves me because living with an injured runner is not an easy task. Especially when that injured runner is me. 

Captain Crankypants, signing off. 

Cleaning house and what running means right now

Running will always be an integral part of who I am. Why I run, what I get out of it, and what it means to me has changed significantly and will continue to do so over the course of my athletic life. Having been injured/not at 100% for well over a year now, all I have really paid attention is what running HASN'T been for me (fun. pain-free. self-esteem building). I think you get the picture. I didn't reflect on those negative feelings until I had some quiet time in late December.

If you know me outside this blog, you know that I am less organized than most and prone to procrastination (stop laughing, sister). For example, I moved to a new apartment in July of last year. I did not have my medal rack and race bib holder unpacked and on the wall until the end of December. For something with so much personal meaning, you'd think I'd have gotten around to it sooner. Nevertheless, both are finally situated in the perfect spot but carry a different load from their previous home.

This "cleansing of the wall" could be chalked up to having too much. Too many medals. Too many bibs. Yes, both were approaching max capacity but that would not have prevented me from slapping them back up as they were in my old place. What changed were the feelings that came up when I sifted through the bibs and medals. When I first started running/racing in 2006 and for a long time afterwards, medals were a big motivator for me. I'm not going to lie. Once the challenge of completing a distance for the first time was met, it became about what I could get for crossing the line. With a few exceptions, the decision to register for a race depending largely on a medal (that there was one and that it was COOL), and a shirt that wasn't cotton. Added to that was a desire to keep up (no pun intended) with my running friends who were smashing PRs and collecting medals on what seemed like a weekly basis. I put pressure on myself to keep up, believing that the frequency and quality of racing was the only measure of satisfaction or accomplishment in the sport.

Now, before I go further, let me say this. There is nothing wrong with racing every weekend and chasing "bling." I am not passing judgement or saying it is a bad thing. For the majority of recreational runners out there, a podium finish is a pipe dream. So why not race for something else that makes you happy and rewards you for your time and effort? I certainly have. What happened recently was a shift in that thinking brought on by a confluence of factors, two of which are time and money. I did not have much of either. More importantly however, was the change in my physical ability to run. I couldn't. And for while, looking at bibs and medals made me sad. Then bitter. Maybe throw in resentful and jealous too.

Hindsight being what it is, I realized how lucky I had been that I could race what I wanted to when I wanted to. Some of that ability could be related to my age at the time and some of it to dumb luck. I was in my mid-late twenties. I didn't cross-train. Or stretch. Or lift. Or eat all my vegetables. I was just out making friends and enjoying running. Because that was enough, I didn't realize that there could be more, until I needed it. With this perspective shift came a shift in what my prior running accomplishments meant to me and how they would (or would not) motivate me moving forward.

Rather than have a bib rack overflowing with crinkled paper, I hung only the few bibs I had from 2014. The hope is that I will have bibs equal to or above that number for 2015, now that I am on the road to health. Not in a "I must beat that number" way, but in a "I CAN race and I am dying to feel my feet on a trail again" way. I am already registered for two races (with my PT's blessing) between now and the end of April. That is half of my bib count from 2014. Should I continue to progress, I will look into more.

My medal rack had a few pegs still open but it seemed cluttered to me. Run a race, hang it up, run a race, hang it up, repeat. It wasn't that they didn't all mean something to me, it was that the ones that meant the most were being crowded out by those that meant a little less. As I unwrapped the tissue paper (yes, I packed them in tissue paper) I started putting aside certain medals. My first half-marathon, Marine Corps 2011, Cherry Blossom (all of them, sigh), and a few others. Having those few hanging in plain sight means more to me now than every piece of metal en mass. Now I see what is possible, what comes from hard work, and what it means to suffer and come out the other side.

THAT is what running means to me now.

 

Checking in

It is ten days into this year and a little over a week into nurturing change. So far I've reinvested in things I already knew made me happy and am trying new things that I think will contribute to my overall happiness. It hasn't all been sunshine and rainbows but nothing ever is. I have heard numerous times that creating new habits and breaking old ones takes at least three weeks, so I am by no means out of the woods. I have found several things that are working for me in terms of staying on track, accountable, and motivated. I'm sharing here, of course, and I'm interested in hearing what does and does not work for you as well.

WRITE IT DOWN

I created a Google spreadsheet and kept it simple. Eight columns with the week range and days of the week. Four rows per week, one each for the specific things I'm tracking. Right now those things include weight (a weekly weigh-in, no more than that), completing my PT exercises (daily is the plan), workouts (type, not miles or duration), and sleep (hours the night before). None of these are set in stone and will probably change over the course of the year. 

TELL PEOPLE

Not in a "hey world, I'm trying to XXXX and I'm going to tell you all about it in minute detail whether you like it or not" way. More of a "I have a workout buddy and she has access to this spreadsheet" way. My buddy has a tab of her own that she updates with what she's tracking. We touch base about once a day to see how things are going and provide high fives or butt kicks as needed. Yes, friends and family are incredible sources of support but fellow athletes "get it" and know how to pump you up or talk you down in a way that others might not.

FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT FUN

None of this is easy. And it will never go smoothly. With that in mind, I decided to document this process in a lighthearted way. So far that has taken the form of pictures via Instagram, some of which also make their way on to Twitter or Facebook. It is another form of accountability, of course, but it also a way for me to remind not to take this too seriously. Yes, I am trying to accomplish something, but no it does not make or break my world. Here are a few:

First circuit workout in 10+ years

New pants and all the colors!

One of many pre-spin class shots

The ongoing 30 day yoga challenge

So, that's me. How has the year been treating you? What have you found that successfully motivates you and keeps you on track? What hasn't worked so well? Tell me!

Calendar Reboot

Happy January 2015. If you know me outside of this blog, you know that I do not make New Years Resolutions. I'll spare you the litany of reasons why and skip to what I am up to in the first few days of this year. A fellow runner-blogger I know shared a 30 day yoga challenge in a group we belong to, offered by DoYouYoga. I love practicing yoga, I love what it brings to my life, and I haven't had a consistent practice in quite some time. This challenge, plus an awesome gift card from MS to a local studio, should be just the ticket to get me back in my blissful yoga zone.

What I have liked about this challenge so far is how short the videos are. While most studio classes and DVDs are an hour or more, these videos have been 20 minutes or less. I find it makes them easier to fit in to my day (can anyone justify not having 15 extra minutes in their day?) and helps me ease back into a routine without stressing my body. This last part is particularly important to me as I am trying to up my cardio workouts. The last two days I've done the yoga and then gone straight into my longer workout. My body gets warmed up, my mind gets focused, and I still have tons of energy to devote to the harder workout. I am mixing that up a tad today, as I did a morning spin class and am going to do my yoga later in the evening to wind down from the day. I'll be posting a picture a day on Instagram (yay accountability!), please follow along and join in the fun!

When I started drafting this post yesterday, I was also catching up on some of my favorite blogs. One kickass chica in particular, SoCalRunnerGal, had recently posted her year in review/look ahead and she said something that clicked with me. I've been searching for the right word or words to explain how I approach this time of year and she hit the nail on the head. Aspirations and Intentions. YES. Those are exactly the words I have been looking for and express how I look at the next week, month, and year. Life is so unpredictable and I've learned over time that nothing is set in stone. I can make all the plans in the world but that doesn't mean any of them will work out, no matter how hard I try. I am learning to embrace that flow and those two words just fit. There is fluidity in them, space to grow, room to breathe. Grace. I could always use a bit more grace. As I'm typing this, I realize that perhaps the appearance of those two words and this yoga challenge are no coincidence.  I see you, Universe. I see you.

What about you? Do you do resolutions? Goals? What are you hoping for this year? What are you looking forward to this year? What do you think your biggest challenge will be this year? For me, consistency. Consistency has never been my strong suit, and no amount of training plans/logs/etc has changed that or worked well for me. Perhaps a more genuine approach, better suited to who I know myself to be, is the way to go. I think I'm on the right track!

No-bake tasty bites!

And now for something completely different. I'm bachelloretting it for the weekend, and destroying my kitchen to make tasty things is one way I like to stay busy instead of feeling lonely. I've seen recipes for protein-energy balls and bars before but never tried them myself. Until today!

This is adapted from Gimme Some Oven based on what I had in my pantry, since I can't be bothered to plan ahead. :) I'm listing the ingredients I used and not all things were measured (clearly).

1 cup quick oats
1/2 cup Justin's vanilla almond butter
1/4 cup Nutiva shelled hemp seeds
1/2 cup mini semi sweet chocolate chips
1 tbsp-ish of honey (what was left in the bottle)
2 tbsp-ish of pancake syrup to make up for the lack of honey
1 tsp vanilla extract

I stirred together the oats, almond butter, hemp seeds, chocolate chips, vanilla, and honey. Once there was a rough blend, I used my hands to see if it was sticky enough to start shaping balls. Not so much, hence the maple syrup. I added enough to reach a better consistency, then covered the bowl and put it in the fridge. I actually left it in there most of the day as I had a bunch of errands to run.

I put the bowl on the counter while I was making dinner and rolled the dough into small balls about 45 minutes later. My hodge-podge of ingredients above made 20 balls, nestled in their Ziplock home in my refrigerator. I think that if you keep to the proportions of ingredients above, you can tweak the recipe to make other yummy flavors. Nutella, cookie butter, dried fruit, chia or flax seeds, and different extract flavors (although some of those things might alter the proteiny-energy-healthy goodness).

Check your pantry and see what you can throw together! NOM.

Owning who you are

Hi there! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas (and/or another holiday you celebrate). This post was 99% written a week ago and today seems as good a time as any to post it. Hopefully...

This has been lingering in the back of my mind for a while and smacks me in the face each time I see the singlet hanging up in my closet. I kept thinking I had a good reason not to officially say anything, but I really didn't. 

Yeah, you might not consider the badge on the blog subtle. But, it isn’t the same as a post saying “Hey everyone! I’m part of this amazing group of runners, most of whom happen to be wicked fast and in shape and win/place in races but I’m neither of those things, just chubby and injured and slow.” Part of me doesn’t want to embarrass the brand. And part of me doesn’t want to embarrass myself. I get that “other people” chatter going in my head. “SHE’S associated with Oiselle?” following by mocking laughter while they run away on their 7 minute mile recovery runs.

But…right now my readership seems to be my sister and MS, so….yeah. Plus, chubby injured and slow IS the runner I am right now.  That isn’t the runner I WANT to be, nor is it the runner I have the POTENTIAL to be.  I haven’t worn the singlet in a race yet, partly because of the “I’m injured, I can participate but not race” thing and partly because I don’t want to post what chubby looks like in team gear. I am torn between being (gently) honest with who I am (and the many runners out there who might identify with that) OR continuing to leave this part of my running life out of the picture because I harbor the belief that I’d be embarrassing  poorly representing the Oiselle brand/exposing myself to internet ridicule (you know, for all 2 of my readers ;)).

However, becoming a part of The Flock involved no vetting. I didn’t have to run X:00 miles or win X number of races. There are several other team aspects of the brand that are specific to runners who can do those things. In my case, all I needed a passion for running, a love for the brand, and a desire to share both with as many people as possible. DONE.

Bottom line, the issue isn’t the imaginary “other people” or the Internet. The issue is how I see myself and the value judgments I place on what I see. So, what do I do about that? I’m not sure. For now, this is what I do know. Being a runner isn’t static. Being an athlete isn’t static. Being a human being is NOT static. Yes, I am the runner/athlete/human I am right now. But that isn’t the same runner/athlete/human I was two years ago. And I bet another two months from now I won’t be the same yet again. Not better, not worse, just different. 

So please allow me to introduce…myself. Flock runner. Head up, wings out. 

Turkey Trot report and good news!

I feel like I phoned that last update in, guys and gals. Sorry about that. I wanted to get something up because there was much to talk about but my brain wasn't interested in been thoughtful or creative. My apologies. Here is the overdue report on the Pete Keyes Turkey Trot 5 Mile Run. I hesitate to call it a race report because I was not racing, not even close. I had been in PT for a month at this point and technically this distance was well out of reach for where my body was. It was important to me to be able to join the rest of my family at the race and I had a very clear action plan (okayed by my PT) in my head for race morning.

Normally the family treks an hour or so away from the house in NY to a local 5k turkey trot, but the addition of my nephew makes staying close to home a priority (especially when you need to leave said toddler with Grandma who is also trying to cook the Thanksgiving feast). Enter the Pete Keyes Run. It was super close to the house and it was a longer run for a killer reg fee of just $20 (long sleeve tech shirt too!).  Put on by the Triple Cities Running Club, the proceeds of this race go towards scholarships for high school runners in the triple cities area. Aside from the proximity to my house, I also loved that it was held at Otsinengo Park. I have ran in that park many times while still living in the area, so I know it well. Added bonus: the course is entirely inside the park so I didn't have to worry about wayward cars and the like.

So, race plan. It was pretty simple, logistically speaking, but the execution was a guaranteed shot to the ego. Warm up: walking briskly for about 5 minutes to get the blood flowing. Stretch those pesky calves. Once the race starts, take it easy. Snail-through-molasses easy. Walk as needed, and stop if the pain level in the Achilles or hamstring hits a 2 on the 1 to 10 scale. Yes, a 2. After the race, however far I get, do all the stretching and foam rolling I've been doing for the last month. Simple? Yes. Frustrating? You betcha. The most helpful thing was having my family there. My father, my sister, my brother-in-law and MS all ran as well. They reminded me that it was just great to be out here at all, that I’d been injured, that it was temporary, and that running smart today would pay off big tomorrow. Not that I’d say it to their faces, but they were right.

The race had a little bit of a late start, which irked me only because the temperature was in the low 20’s with wind and snow flurries, not to mention the 8 or so inches of snow that fell overnight. I wanted to get moving if for no other reason than to feel warm. Glad to finally be going, I started my Garmin (pace display covered with tape) and tried to settle in. The pavement was wet but not slick, they did a great job of keeping the course clear. I had that “I’m going to finish last” feeling, but for the first time it seemed like a real possibility. I’m not going to lie, the first mile was rough. My leg had been aching for the past few days, especially during the 7 hour car trip up from VA. I was trying to focus on the form tips given to by my PT and calm myself down.

I haven’t been sedentary since I started PT, but the elliptical and spinning alone haven’t kept my cardio level where I would like it to be and I felt it. I took a minute walk break somewhere around the end of the first mile, more to pull my head together than anything else. I wasn't experiencing much, if any, discomfort yet so I forged ahead. MS has been down for the count with a wicked case of PF, so I had (miserable) company along the way. Between mile 2 and 2.5, I started to stress again. It was taking forever and realizing I wasn't halfway yet didn't help. I haven’t had a DNF yet in my running career, and while it may be unavoidable I did not want it to happen today.

After the first mile and a half, the course becomes an out and back. Although it meant I knew exactly how much I had left to run, it also let me see the lead runners coming back and cheer on my family as they came by. Looking for people you know during a race is a good distraction if you are not having the best day. Other than that, I tried to focus on a specific form tip and the fact that I got to be out there in the first place. I don’t have to run, I get to. And on the morning of a day devoted to being with loved ones, surrounded by the incredibly beautiful sites along the trail. Pristine snow on the ground, tree branches draped in white, flurries coming down and landing on my tongue. Who in their right mind could be unhappy?

Like any good race, there was a short but steep hill within the last ½ mile. I knew it was there and I tried to maintain effort and form on the way up and over. Crowd support has appeared now, and it was greatly appreciated. I heard my Dad yelling for me and it was exactly what I needed. I didn't have a kick at all, but I tried to push a little harder because feeling strong at the finish is important to me. The time was what it was and I decided right there to let it go. I finished. I was not in pain. That’s a win in my book.

Because the race was small, the only pictures I've seen were of local race club members, not of all participants. We did snap a quick picture before the start (someone is clearly freezing).

No one was interested in lingering post-race so we piled into the cars and headed home (after a brief stop for coffee and donuts as per tradition). I stretched and rolled like a good PT patient, then showered and got ready to embrace the holiday. If I was sore later, fine (I wasn't).  I’m so relieved that it went the way it did and I’m looking forward to more runs as PT progresses.

I was going to wrap this up with a request for good thoughts as I waited to hear back on my application to be a Nuun Ambassador for 2015. As luck would have it, I didn't need to wait any longer. Behold:

Hello, We are so happy to welcome you to the Nuun family! You have been selected to represent Nuun in all of the amazing areas in which you live, work, play, and compete in. This year we have restructured the program a bit and we're excited that you been accepted as a Nuun Ambassador within our program!

I am beyond excited (if the Facebook and Twitter posts didn't bear that out already).  I've got another post ready to go, you'll see that later today or this weekend. Early Merry Christmas!